Who's Your Daddy? Looking for a Family Atmosphere at Work
By Chere B. Estrin, Ph.D.
CEO, Estrin LegalEd
Imagine a utopia of next-to-no problems, a fantasy land of raises and bonuses, a dreamscape of rising job prospects and new opportunities, a plethora of coworkers who understand and fully support your every career move and partners who support you, nurture you and address your every professional need.
Sound like a Hollywood production of an old Andy Hardy movie? Or is this the kind of work place you envision when you hear employers say, "We're just like a family here." Both employers and employees frequently describe their perfect working atmosphere in these terms.
Curious, isn't it? Most people I know are not particularly interested in recreating their childhood or current family situation in the work place. This is true even for people whose present family scene is sensational. Most families - even the healthiest ones- harbor some well-kept secrets, a family "Hall of Shame" or uneven road to adulthood.
While some people look for a "family" atmosphere at work, others run for the hills. Regardless of your own response, one thing is clear: no matter where you work, you are bound to create close and (hopefully) comfortable relationships with many of your coworkers.
Why is it then, some prefer to infuse business with family values and conditions? Are these people really looking for a family in the job environments?
When workers describe a family atmosphere, they are generally talking about fun, togetherness, closeness, trust, and friendships. The phrase "family atmosphere" generally applies to a small firm or business work place. The larger the business, the less likely you will hear the work place described as family. The president of a $1 billion corporation would be hard pressed to name every employee in her domain. For the life of me, I just can't imagine Bill Gates describing Microsoft as "like a little family." Employees of mega-firms and huge corporations very seldom describe their work environment as family, although many times individual departments may qualify.
Understanding the typical hierarchy of the work place explains why some confuse family with the work place. There are pecking orders and authority figures. There are close relationships and the proverbial bonding. However, there are major differences between the family unit and the work place.
All families contain common elements. There is an authority figure, usually a father or mother, or both. There are children and sometimes siblings. You'll find varied pecking orders. Each family member makes certain contributions to the family, although not equally, depending on each person's age.
Of course, you're simply handed your family. You cannot choose your family members or the family's pecking order. You also cannot simply choose to occupy a position of power and authority in a family.
It is only when you grow up and move OUT OF THE HOUSE, that you become equal to the parental authority figures. Eventually, even the baby of the family gains equal input. For this to occur, the dynamics of the family must change; children must grow up and move out. Until that time, there is an unequal distribution of power and contribution. ("What mother says, goes." "This is my house and my rules.")
Major differences between work and family do exist. Your family is your family for life. Whether you want them or not. With very few exceptions, no one divorces their parents. This is not the case with a job, even if you think, "I'll be here forever."
On the other hand, you choose your work environment. You can move up a career ladder, thus changing the pecking order. Each worker can contribute equally to the common goal of the firm. While each work place utilizes authority figures, the particular person in authority may not be in that position forever. And you may not have to leave the environment in order to become an authority figure with equal status.
The reality of the work environment also requires that you NOT share all of your personal problems. It is not okay to burst into tears in your office over the latest drama in your love life. It is not okay to go on and on about Aunt Minnie and Uncle Vinnie's latest trials and tribulations.)
If you ask yourself, which of these relationships you cannot have with your boss: helper, follower, colleague, pal, equal, close friend - the answer of course, is that you cannot have an equal relationship with your boss. The company's organizational chart clearly says you're not equal.
According to Mark Gorkin, A Washington D.C. psychologist (The Stress Doc) and corporate therapist, you should acknowledge the differences between healthy families and dysfunctional ones. Gorkin believes that when a company looks to recreate a family rather than a team, what usually gets recreated is a dysfunctional family unit.
Those work places emphasizing a family atmosphere may actually have one. There may be parental figures: the mother (the HR or Office Manager); the father (The Managing Partner), even a grandparent (the Founding Partner). Coworkers may rival for attention. Sibling rivalry may exist. You may find yourself "grounded" for a length of time as punishment for a violation of the house rules. (You're thrown off the "A" team for infractions such as not the right attitude. Or, you receive no raise for inadequate work product.) It could be that you may be ostracized by not receiving choice assignments. Further, you may get the message when you screw up: wait until your review. (Translated: Wait until your father gets home.)
One of the primary causes cited for job change is personality conflict. While many employees can live with some kind of inadequacy or imperfections in their jobs, most cannot live with the emotional distress caused by personality conflict. It's too stressful. For example, they might not like the way they are treated. Consequently, they may blame the entire field with such pronouncements as "paralegals are always treated poorly."
Being in a family atmosphere isn't necessarily a bad thing. But is it really the atmosphere you are after? Or are you seeking what the "fantasy family" represents: nurturing, coddling, support, fun, closeness, friendships, strong ties, lifetime commitments, chicken soup?
Familiarity lulls employees into a false sense of security. Intimacy, discussions about one's personal business, the feeling that your coworkers understand the total you, can set unrealistic expectations. Your supervisors become your best friends. As a result, the lines are blurred between employee and family member. In a dysfunctional family atmosphere, boundaries are not set and employees end up in unproductive and unpleasant work situations.
Contrast the "family" atmosphere with a work environment based more on a "teamwork" approach. In teamwork, the leader functions more like a coach. No one person is solely responsible for the success of the team. (Compare this with a parental figure, who tells the children what to do and how to do it.) Workers are not punished for bad behavior. Instead, they are coached into good performances. The guidelines to a well-oiled team are generally:
- Each member of the team contributes equally.
- A team leader is the authority figure, not an autocrat.
- Leadership positions can change to any member of the team.
- There is no sibling rivalry or efforts by others to attract attention from above.
- Everyone works together for the good of the organization.
- Each member is recognized for efforts and judged independently.
- Members are equal and acknowledge the team leader.
When you hear someone describe a work place as a family atmosphere, a warning flag should go up. First, ask whether it's a family that you're after. Or, are you really seeking a professional team environment. Always dig deeper:
- Is there clear communication? Are employees heard?
- Where are the employees in the pecking order? Can that change?
- Are there parental figures here or team leaders?
- Would you be recreating my childhood scene?
- Will you be expected to share all and if not, will you be ostracized for not playing the game properly?
- Will you be coached to improve performance or punished?
- What kind of "family" is involved here? Healthy or dysfunctional?
Learn to surround yourself with a group of people who will contribute to the common goal. Remember, you do have the power to create a happy, healthy work environment around you. And you don't have to take out the trash.
Back to Job Related Articles
Chere Estrin, Ph.D., is the CEO of the Los Angeles based Estrin LegalEd, a paralegal training organization and founder of The Paralegal SuperConferences™. She is the author of eight books including The Paralegal Career Guide 4th Edition; The Successful Paralegal's Job Search Guide; and 21 Steps to Sweet Success. She has been interviewed by Newsweek, The Los Angeles Times, The Chicago Tribune, Entrepreneur magazine and others. Ms. Estrin is a national seminar speaker and recipient of the Los Angeles Women of Achievement Award. She is a co-founding member of the International Paralegal Management Association and recipient of the Los Angeles Paralegal Association Lifetime Achievement Award. She can be reached www.CareerCoachesInternational.com/. C.B. Estrin. Reprints by permission only from C.B. Estrin.